It appears that pornography (defined by Merriam-Webster as "movies, pictures, magazines, etc., that show or describe naked people or sex in a very open and direct way in order to cause sexual excitement") is becoming normalized and used more broadly throughout our society. Widespread use of pornography (or otherwise sexually titillating activities) appears to be skewing public perception about its acceptability. According to a 2013 Gallup poll, roughly half of young adults between the ages of 18 and 34 deemed pornography morally acceptable.
If roughly half of young adults believe that pornography is morally acceptable, what do children younger than them think? Children often replicate what they see and in growing numbers, our children are emulating the sexually explicit images that surround them. My daughter has infrequently returned from high school and shared tales about videos being circulated of her female classmates performing oral sex and engaging in other sexual acts. I feel like there is a well-oiled machine at work that tirelessly uses propaganda to convince girls and women to proffer their bodies for the sale of goods and services and for the sexual pleasure of boys and men. It seems as if the machine is winning. One day over dinner, my daughter told me that one of her classmates sent a boy nude pictures of herself, after which he shared them with his friends, and they later spread them throughout the school. My daughter told me that she was shocked that the girl did it because she was one of the "quiet" girls. Even the "quiet," "smart," girls are falling sway to the machine.
Although almost 50% of young adults reported that pornography is "morally acceptable," girls and women are often shamed when their nude images surface. Our children are being raised in a society that encourages girls and women to present themselves as sex tarts, but then are condemned when they do. Reconciling these competing messages is difficult and navigating my children through them is complicated. When I think about the challenges I face in confronting the rise of porn culture, I think about millions of people around the world who are attempting to navigate cultures that promote practices that are harmful to girls and women.
In my post on HIV/AIDS, I mentioned that I lived in a Zimbabwean village for about a month. In the rural areas, hierarchy is important. The hierarchical order of authority is: man, boy, woman, girl. Women and girls are to sit on the floor and men sit on benches and in chairs. Girls usually stopped attending school after fifth grade, while boys usually continued through high school. Women and girls tend to the home front (cook, clean, and farm), and the men are to oversee the households. It wasn't unusual for a man to lead his family with an iron fist. In fact, one of my classmates asked for a change in residence because she could not stand the screams from the wife as she contented with nightly beatings from her drunk husband.
I think one of the reasons that I bonded so closely to my host family is that they resisted some of the conventional wisdom on gender roles. My father let his girls and wife sit on benches when company wasn't around. He helped his wife in the field and kept only one wife. He was also determined to see his second daughter complete school. My father and I talked often, and during one of our conversations, I broached the issue of his girls and wife sitting on benches. I asked him why he made them scramble to the floor when visitors arrived, but allowed them to sit in chairs and benches when no one was around. I also asked him about other socially acceptable practices in which he chose not to engage.
My father talked about his love for his wife and how he was personally satisfied with her. He also talked about how important it was for him that his daughter should be educated and that he thought that girls and women had equal intellectual capacity as boys and men (some people truly believed that girls and women were of lower intellect). I asked him that if he believed these things, then why didn't he openly openly oppose practices that he believed subjugated his wife and daughters. He told me that he could not go against the traditions. "But don't men make the rules?" I countered. He acknowledged that they did, but that he felt powerless to change them. I was confused. I never expected to hear a man express feeling powerless in a society that seemingly gave him all the power.
Many global health and development programs aim to address gender inequities by educating girls and women, providing them with access to capital, and raising awareness about the risks of certain sexual practices (e.g. extramarital relationships) and about the benefits of key health interventions (e.g. birth spacing). Even with the knowledge about the importance of monogamy, condom usage, birth spacing, and delayed sexual debut, many girls and women lack the authority to carry out these life-saving actions. Indeed, the President's Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief (PEPFAR), recognized that gender inequity was standing in the way of achieving an AIDS-free generation and launched the DREAMS program to empower women. Without a doubt, efforts like these are important. I would like to see more programs, however, that focus on empowering men to become change agents.
There are many men like my host father who are eager to see societal norms change but don't know how to go about the business of driving this change. I have struggled with this in my own household. When my son was in high school, I'd often tell him, "Girls are under a lot of pressure to be sexually aggressive. Even if a girl is pursuing you, you don't have to take advantage of her. A lot of girls' self esteem is tied up in whether she is sexually desirable. Please don't take advantage of girls like that. If you don't like the girl, leave her alone." I was also often in the awkward position of telling girls not to come to my home uninvited (they'd just show up and wait for him).
It may seem counter intuitive that boys and men need support in changing a system that seems to put them in full control, but they do. At the same time that my father celebrated the small victories he made in contradicting gender norms in his private life, he was wary of promoting change in the broader society. Men need a support network of other like-minded people who can validate their ideas and join them in advocating for change. It is time to broaden the framework for addressing gender inequities by embracing men as partners in our fight against sexism and empowering them to believe that they can.
